


Nostalgia

by Its_Raineing_Words



Category: This War of Mine (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Basically just lots of feelings, F/M, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't usually write stuff like this but it was fun, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Late at Night, Lost Love, Love, Nostalgia, One Shot, Ouch, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sadness, Short One Shot, Smoking, Wishful Thinking, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, Wordcount: Over 1.000, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 03:11:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17634929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Its_Raineing_Words/pseuds/Its_Raineing_Words
Summary: The night’s sky shone brightly with flickering stars. Roman had written poems in his youth, locked up in the care home, and some of his old prose came back to him. He shook the thoughts away and he pulled out a cigarette, he could afford straights now but he found he missed the rollies he used to smoke during the war, even if some of them had tasted absolutely vile. The flames flickered in the wind as Roman lit the cigarette and sucked, as the smoke filled his lungs he felt the stress leave him-though he knew it was a painfully temporary sensation.Roman knew what she’d say if she could see him now.‘What a nasty habit, and so expensive too…’He chuckled wryly to himself, none of that mattered to him but it was nice to feel as thought Katia was with him, even in some small way. He missed her more than he would ever admit to anyone, not even himself, except for late at night like this. When he couldn’t sleep because the memories were filling his mind and he had to smoke to calm the beast that raged inside of him.





	Nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> Love this fandom, do wish there were more fics but I'm happy to help with that.

Roman stepped out onto the balcony, well, balcony made it sound like it was a nice place which it certainly was not. He’d returned to his old neighbourhood after the war ended, he had to see what had become of it and he reunited with his old buddies who actually respected him for his decision to leave. A few years had passed now and he was the leader of the community, he organised the rebuilding efforts and generally made sure nothing too crazy happened. It wasn’t something that he would have ever guessed he would be doing during the war, he hadn’t given what he would afterwards any real consideration and had lived from day to day. Now, though, he had more than enough time to mull over the past. 

The night’s sky shone brightly with flickering stars. Roman had written poems in his youth, locked up in the care home, and some of his old prose came back to him. He shook the thoughts away and he pulled out a cigarette, he could afford straights now but he found he missed the rollies he used to smoke during the war, even if some of them had tasted absolutely vile. The flames flickered in the wind as Roman lit the cigarette and sucked, as the smoke filled his lungs he felt the stress leave him-though he knew it was a painfully temporary sensation.   
Roman knew what she’d say if she could see him now.  
‘What a nasty habit, and so expensive too…’  
He chuckled wryly to himself, none of that mattered to him but it was nice to feel as thought Katia was with him, even in some small way. He missed her more than he would ever admit to anyone, not even himself, except for late at night like this. When he couldn’t sleep because the memories were filling his mind and he had to smoke to calm the beast that raged inside of him. 

Roman exhaled and watched as the smoke covered and blocked out the stars for a moment. He saw her face when he closed his eyes, just looking at him, though he could never decipher what her expression meant. Katia had become an enigma throughout the years, his memories of her warping. They had struck up an unlikely relationship amid the shelling and fighting of the civil war which had burned brightly but once the fighting had stopped Katia had to go and look for her family and they had gone their separate ways. Neither of them had ever expected the relationship to go beyond the war, they hadn’t even known if they’d make it through the day so of course, it was never discussed. Roman still thought about her though and the casual fucks that he periodically engaged in did nothing to change that. It should have been out of sight, out of mind for him but it just wasn’t, the opposite seemed to be true, in fact. He hadn’t factored in the workings of his heart, he supposed. There was very little he could do now, or very little that he would allow himself to do. 

Katia had moved to America and published her war journal which he featured heavily in, it had been an odd experience to read about himself, even if the names and some of the details had been changed. Apparently when they’d first met Katia had thought of him as a mix between a superhero and some sort of arsehole, which was how he had wanted people to see him back then he supposed. He had wanted to be fearsome, a badass. Roman flicked the ashes from his cigarette and washed then float down to the floor, barely illuminated by the light from his room behind him. He kept the book next to his bed, he would often pick it up and read sections at random when he was feeling particularly sorry for himself, it gave him nightmares and made him think of things that were better off buried but it was the only way that he could hear her voice again, even if just in his mind. The picture of her on the inside of the sleeve was also a boon to him, she looked older than when he had known her of course but no less beautiful, the extra weight made her look healthy instead of slightly malnourished as she had been. She’d also dyed her hair, only a few shades darker but it threw him off, it looked good on her.   
Was she married now?  
Roman had no idea and didn’t particularly want to find out, she very well might be. And he had no reason to be upset if she was, they had never said that their relationship had meant anything and they didn’t stay in touch after the war. He could have tried but it felt wrong somehow, like trying to force something that wasn’t meant to happen. So he didn’t force it, he let her go and even now when he could try to contact her he didn’t as it felt almost like a breach of that tacit agreement. Like the comfort that they had sought in each other on all those late nights would be marred somehow. 

Roman took another drag of the cigarette, longer this time, he wanted to finish quick and go to bed even if he had to take some sleeping pills to do so. He didn’t like where his thoughts were taking him tonight.  
‘Those pills are just a crutch, you need to sort how you’re really feeling, Roman.’  
Fuck, he just knew that would be what she would say and she wasn’t wrong but he wasn’t strong enough to face his demons. He also wasn’t strong enough to really admit that he had loved her back then and still did now, the pain of knowing that he had let her go was almost too much for him already, to admit that she was the only woman he had ever loved and, if things went the same way that they had been for the past few years, likely the only woman he would ever love then that would only make it worse. Of course, he knew in his heart he loved her still, but he kept those feelings locked up beside the guilt of all the people he had killed. He remembered their faces and sometimes he felt them staring at him, not judging merely looking as if to remind him of their existence. As if he could ever forget…

A long exhale. Roman bit back a cough and took a look at his cigarette, almost done. Taking a few more quick drags to finish it off he stubbed the butt out in his ashtray and headed back inside, mind weighed down like it always was this late at night. The people in his neighbourhood had all gone through the war, all had their own demons and so they understood his need to not talk about his own experiences of the war. Only his closest friends knew that he was Nikoli from Katia’s war journal and if they pieced together their past relationship with his continued singleness and general sullenness then they were tactful enough to not bring it up.

As he sat on the bed he flicked the book open to one of the pages closer to the end, it opened there quite naturally now as he had opened it to the same page so many times before.  
‘Nikolai looked at me with wide eyes as we listened to the announcement from the radio. Peace! Finally! Except he didn’t look happy…  
“Nikolai?” I asked, knowing already what he would say.  
“I won’t see you again, will I?” His face was blank.  
“Hey, I truly believe that if things are meant to happen then they will. If we are meant to meet again, then we will. Don’t worry. And anyway, we still have these weeks, we’ve gone through things together no one else will understand and no one can take that way.”  
Nikolai just nodded.

I wonder to this day what would have happened if I had said something else, if I had asked him to come with me. Would he have agreed? Did I even want him to come with me? Those are questions that I cannot and will never know the answer to now. Wherever he is, I hope he’s happy.’

Roman settled into bed to sleep and his dreams were filled with her as they always were but he found that he almost felt like she was with him after reading those words. Those words that were so familiar to him that he almost had them memorised.   
‘Wherever he is, I hope he’s happy.’  
Well, Roman mused, I suppose I am in a way.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that people read this and enjoy! I always love to know what people think of my work *hint hint, nudge nudge*


End file.
